Christmas Card Sham

  It’s that dreaded time of the year. The time of year when you suddenly realize that you have failed as the matriarch of the family. It’s time for Christmas cards. Let’s be honest, you aren’t that busy. You should have your shit together, but in typical fashion, you don’t. I mean, how hard can … [Read more…]

FML, I Lost the Elf

I have a crisis at my house. A real catastrophe. I have lost the effing elf on the shelf. You are probably wondering how this can happen, since I’m the one who actually moves him, but when you factor in my sleep deprivation and over-all post partum state, anything is possible. I am just lucky … [Read more…]

Be Still My Heart

October 18th, 2016 (the day of my scheduled C-section) I’m sitting here almost in a trance. Today is the day. The day I never imagined would come. I should be getting everything ready for my big delivery. In fact, my husband is bitching because I am on the computer but I have to do what … [Read more…]

Pregnancy Perks

Let’s be honest, pregnancy can be a real bitch. You are overweight, uncomfortable, and the fluctuations in hormones are enough to make a semi-sane woman appear certifiable. Not to mention the unexplainable things that are happening to your body make you feel as if you have morphed into an alien from the outer galaxies. Pregnancy … [Read more…]

All the Time in the World

My child thinks that I have all the time in the world. He is constantly demanding that I put my life on pause so that he can try to do all these things on his own and it takes Fooooooor Freaeeeeking Evaaaaa. It is not limited to buckling the car seat, opening the mail, throwing … [Read more…]

Chicken Cutlets and Stranger Danger

Parenting is hard. On top of keeping the little monsters alive you are forced to do “hard things” like teach them about the scary and uncomfortable things in life. And let me tell you, a 4 year-old is an entirely different kind of beast. I’m often left speechless by the line of questioning that my … [Read more…]