FML, I Lost the Elf

I have a crisis at my house. A real catastrophe. I have lost the effing elf on the shelf. You are probably wondering how this can happen, since I’m the one who actually moves him, but when you factor in my sleep deprivation and over-all post partum state, anything is possible. I am just lucky everyone is still alive at this point.

It was Monday morning and I had been up all night with the baby. I was starting my second shift with my son and asked him what he wanted for breakfast. I was thinking he would maybe want some cereal, or toast. You know, something I could make with one eye open and my baby strapped to me, but of course he wanted, waffles. And not the frozen kind. I let my mommy guilt get the best of me, since he has gotten very little attention because of the baby, and I made them. I sat the perfectly fluffy waffle on his plate, and cut it into 8 perfect pieces, just as he requested. At first, there were only 6 and that was a fucking crisis. I poured on the syrup and all hell broke loose. Cort threw himself on the ground and started screaming because I used the “wrong” kind of syrup. I didn’t even realize there was such a thing. Who cries about syrup? Kids these days are something else. I guess he has built a love affair with Aunt Jemima so putting the fresh syrup, from the farmers market, was just too much for him to bare.

He finally got himself off the ground to go tattle on me to daddy and that was it, I lost it. He has been a total tool lately. Yes, I just called my kid a tool but he has totally earned it. I couldn’t take anymore of his disrespect, so I grabbled Butters (aka the elf on the shelf) and shoved him somewhere and when my son got back in the kitchen I told him that I saw Butters fly away, because he was so upset by his bad behavior. I went on to tell him that when you are the really bad the elf leaves to go have an emergency meeting with Santa, then comes back, only if the behavior improves. Parenting is just coming up with lie after lie but I actually think this one was pretty genius. Until I forgot where I hid the elf.

So here we are with a missing elf and a devastated child.

On the bright side, my son’s behavior has improved but it’s been 5 days and Butters still hasn’t returned and now I feel like a crappy mom. I have turned the house upside down and am convinced maybe Butters really did fly away. In a desperate attempt to not damage my child for life I created this note. (sorry, I also couldn’t get the photo to crop because I’m brain dead these days)