Be Still My Heart

October 18th, 2016 (the day of my scheduled C-section)

I’m sitting here almost in a trance. Today is the day. The day I never imagined would come. I should be getting everything ready for my big delivery. In fact, my husband is bitching because I am on the computer but I have to do what gives me comfort and reassurance, I have to write. When I am bursting with emotion, there is no other choice.

It’s hard to know how to handle one of the biggest days of my life. I have so many questions. SO MANY. When I had my son I was a different person. I was ignorant and selfish and blind. I had no idea what motherhood would bring. I thought I would peacefully have a baby, dress it in cute outfits, and host playdates with moms just like me. I thought having a baby was a social thing. I was so shallow. “My life wouldn’t change much,” I thought. I would just have a sidekick to do everything with. I remember packing my hospital bag like I was going on a vacation. I packed cute pajamas to be photographed in, of course, a “going home outfit” for the baby and tons of designer toiletries.

Then, after I had him, I would focus on how to lose the baby weight (because that is what is most important, right?) and get on with my life as usual. I had no fucking clue. I did not fully understand that I would be raising an actual human being. I did not realize that someone would depend on me for everything. I did not realize that everything that I was certain about in my life would change. I did not realize, at the moment, that everything about my life needed to change.

I think today is hitting me like a ton of bricks because I know how huge it is and I’m terrified. These past five years with my husband and son have been magical. My husband and my son have been my everything. I have devoted my entire being to them, day in and day out. I honestly can’t imagine carving out more love for anyone else, I feel tapped out already.

Today I’m walking into the hospital to deliver this baby a completely different person then when I welcomed my son. My eyes are open. I know what a huge responsibility and gift I am being given. I’m emotional and scared and in shock. I know my life will forever change.

 

A month later….

It’s funny, because I actually underestimated the amount of love that I have in my heart. In an instant, I carved out more love for her than I could ever imagined. The day that I met Cooper Claire my life changed. She is so beautiful and perfect; she literally took my breath away. I could stare at her sweet little face, all day long. It feels like my family is finally complete. I was never a person who wanted a lot of children. In fact, I didn’t want any. I never day dreamed as a little girl about getting married and having babies. It just wasn’t me. But here I am, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Being a mother has been the greatest gift ever given to me. That’s not to say that this past month has been easy because it’s been beyond hard. Women should get a medal for recovering from a C-section with a newborn and a toddler in the house. Things have been beyond chaotic and I’ve had multiple breakdowns. Hormones are a real bitch. I will find myself crying at the drop of a hat. The other day I started sobbing while watching a commercial for a Hallmark movie, not even the actual movie-a commercial. The struggle is so real. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions and a huge adjustment for everyone. When people say having two kids is hard, they are down playing the situation. Someone always needs something from you. You feel drained, physically and emotionally. I hardly have time to take a shower or brush my teeth. And, I had forgotten everything about having a newborn. It’s like I have selective memory. I think God gives us that gift so we continue to procreate.

My days consist of feedings, diaper changes, baths, bottle washing and trying to stay awake. The time flies by and the days mold into each other. I am exhausted and depleted but at the same time I am in a constant state of euphoria, that I have been given this amazing gift. This time is sacred and is something that you cannot get back, so I just want to soak up every minute of it.

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