We just had an emergent situation at my house: We realized that it’s the last day to purchase girl scout cookies. Usually we are on our game but for some reason this season we just don’t have our shit together and haven’t had one single, delicious bite of cookie goodness. It’s shameful.
It was Sunday and it went like this….
I ran into the living room like a mad woman to tell my husband that we had a REAL emergency on our hands and his response was, “What now? ” I really hate when he, what nows me like I’m bringing yet another problem to his attention. No buddy, this is a real (effing) emergency and you need to pause the history channel, get off the couch and get your hustle on. I explained how I saw on my Moms Community Facebook Page that today was the last day to buy girl scout cookies. He still wasn’t jumping up. Sometimes I totally don’t get this guy.
There are a few things I’m very serious about in this world and they happen to be sausage, beer, fried chicken and girl scout cookies. You just don’t mess around with any of those. Period.
We cannot buy girl scout cookies for a year, I said, very loudly.
Ok, that got him moving. Nothing will install the fear of God in man like threatening no thin mints for an entire year.
We were off to the store to binge purchase cookies.
They were packing up to leave when we got there but had 5 boxes left. Praise the Lord. “We’ll take them,” I said.
I should add that we had to do our grocery shopping afterwards with 5 boxes of cookies calling our names from inside the cart. I could literally hear the cookie whispers. Talk about torture. If you think resisting the samples on a Saturday is a test of will power, you should roll around with 5 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I continued to stay strong but Carlos started asking if he could have just one cookie because he was soooo hungry. Poor thing hadn’t had a meal in 45 minutes, I’m sure he was famished. I on the other hand hadn’t eaten since 11 am and it was now 630 pm but no one was concerned with my hunger.
I said No, absolutely not but after 30 minutes of navigating through he grocery with him screaming at the top of his lungs for cookies, I caved.
I’m not a perfect parent and I have been known to allow all sorts of bad behavior to take place at the grocery store. I just want to get out of that place alive. I do what I have to do.
Me: You can have JUST one.
Child: And then one later, after dinner?
This kid is a master negotiator.
We survived the grocery store with minimal meltdowns and made it home to where I could finally partake in my cookie bender.
I don’t know about you but when I eat girl scout cookies, I EAT girl scout cookies. There is nothing lady like about it. I don’t sit and have one cookie, I go for gold and devour the whole damn box.
The other day my girlfriend told me that she had a “cheat day” and had three WHOLE girl scout cookies. Three whole cookies? Who has this sort of will power? Sounds like a waste of a good box of cookies.
I headed to the couch to finally enjoy the moment that I had been dreaming about for months ….
Where would I start?
Peanut butter sandwich.
Or the timeless caramel delites.
Mooooooooommmmmyyyy, what are you doing?
Oh crap. He knows what I’m up to.
The next hour is when I realized that I may be raising a tiny, manipulative genius. The dialogue went something like this:
Child: Can I have my cookie now?
Me: Not until after dinner.
Child: So, I will eat all my dinner then have two cookies.
WTF is happening here?
Child: You said if I ate dinner I could have a cookie but I think if I eat ALL my dinner I should get two.
Child finishes his dinner and starts to eat his cookie.
Child: Daddy, do you want a bite of my cookie? I want to share my cookie with Daddy.
Awe, that is so sweet and thoughtful!
Child:(Insert loudest scream ever) Daddy took too big of a bite, now my cookie is ruined and I need another.
Holy hell. He planned this.
Me: Honey, his bite wasn’t that big, just eat the rest.
Child: No, he ruined it. He ate all my cookie, now I need another one. His bite was too big.
Me: You offered it to him. He has a bigger mouth and took an appropriate bite for his size.
Why am I rationalizing with a 4 year old.
Me: Eat that cookie and you are going to bed.
Child: How about I eat another cookie in bed and watch a Paw Patrol.
I swear I am about to lose my shit. Why is my husband just chuckling from the sidelines?
NO. NO. NO. He will not win here.
Me: We don’t eat cookies in bed and you don’t watch TV to fall asleep.
Child: But, please, just tonight. I will go straight to sleep and not get up ALL night. I promise.
This guy can argue anyone into a hole.
Me: OK! Go get in bed.
Child: Wait, can I watch the long episode?
Stop the madness. He has got to be f-ing with me at this point.
You see Paw Patrol has short episodes which are 20 minutes and long ones that are 40 minutes.
Me: Absolutely not, you get the short one! One. Short. Episode.
Child: But Moooooommmmy.
Put head in hands and maybe start to cry. (me, not him)
He went to lay down and my husband and I looked at each other and said, “What just happened?”
I seriously don’t know.
Somehow he is eating a second cookie in bed And watching the long Paw Patrol episode. Parents of the year over here.
I wish I could say this is not a normal occurrence but every day is centered around a continual negotiation for something. And he always wins.
We are getting our asses handed to us by a tiny dictator.
On a happy note, I finally got to feast on my cookies and it was everything I imagined and more. It was totally worth all the madness that unfolded.
Until next year girl scouts….