M’elfing

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It’s hard to blog on the subject of The Elf on the Shelf after it’s been done so many times BUT I cannot pass up an opportunity to share my love/hate relationship with this little shit that takes over our life for 30 plus days over the Holidays.

To be clear, I think that The Elf on the Shelf is the creepiest thing I have ever seen. The way I feel about him is exactly how I feel about clowns. There is nothing cheerful or happy about them, they both give me nightmares. I swore up and down that I would never buy into such a crock when I had children.

This was until I became a Mom and had a child who wouldn’t listen.

It was the Holidays last year……

I couldn’t afford a full time babysitter or life coach for my child. I was already in over my head in dealing with my dysfunctional family and something had to give. I needed disciplinary help and I needed it fast. So I had some wine, got on amazon prime and went against everything I believed in.

Arrives “Butters,” The Elf on the Shelf.…….

When the Elf arrived, my brother was living with us from overseas. He had a lot of free time on his hands so I decided to give him the sole job of being in charge of The Elf on the Shelf. And as you know…..It’s a full time damn job.

Surely this would make my life easier. My child would start listening and I didn’t have to do any work. DONE.

The book calls it “magic” but in our house we call the job “m’elfing.”  It means moving the mother f-ing elf around the house. There is just not a great abbreviation for that AND I’m trying to cut back on cursing.

Man, did my brother step up to the job.

Butters was beyond inappropriate and shocking. My brother was more creative than all those over the top moms on social media, by a landslide. I would find Butters diving head first into a bottle of vodka, smoking a cigar or sitting on the toilet with m & m’s falling out of him. Not all at once of course. That would just be gross. Or genius. I cannot decide.

If there was a job opening for “m’elfing,” my brother had this in the bag. I think the one that takes the cake though, was Butters straddling a butcher knife with ketchup running down it. That was classic.

My brother was a full-blown sicko when it came to The Elf on the Shelf. In his defense, he has no kids so it was totally acceptable for him to do all these crazy things. He was also bored out of his mind so he owned this. The best part is he has never been on Pinterest or read a blog, which made his efforts even more impressive.

However, it was not appropriate for my son to find Butters in the places that my brother left him so I would have to wake up extra early to do damage control on what my brother had done with Butters the previous night AND think of a new spot to move him.

So, no.

Putting my brother in charge of The Elf on the Shelf did not make my life any easier. Actually, Butters didn’t do much for us in general except give us a good laugh last year and create a lot of work for me. My child’s behavior maybe improved slightly but not enough to put forth all the effort. My son was 2 ½ at the time though, so I may have been jumping the gun with Butters out of desperation.

 

So here we are again and it’s time for Butters to make his appearance….

In typical fashion, I hadn’t given Butters one thought this year since we were out of town for Thanksgiving. So I would like to take this opportunity to thank my overachieving best friend for totally selling me down the river this year.

It started like this……..

We went by her house the day after Thanksgiving to pop in and say hi and she already had that sneaky little shit sitting out. Actually, Miss Elk (as they call her) was playing in some cookie sprinkles on the counter with the book being displayed.

Damn her.

{Side Note: In the unspoken rules of girlfriends, both parties should agree upon when The Elf on the Shelf makes its debut. I’m pretty sure she was bored and overdosed on chardonnay the night before so I’m willing to let it go.}

I paused and prayed that my son wouldn’t notice but knew I was already screwed. I gave my friend a nasty look as my son asked if it was his beloved “Butters.” I love how kids can all of a sudden love something that they haven’t thought twice about in a year.

Of course, like all parents do once in a while, I told a little white lie. I said that Santa had already sent him to our house and he would be waiting when we got home.

Phew.

I’m not sure he bought my BS but he was onto the next toy in about 2 minutes.

I lucked out because he was a little hellion yesterday so when we got home it was a non-issue. I was able to get out of the Elf Reveal by saying the he only shows up when a child has been good over Thanksgiving.

BOOM.

Just another little white lie.

I was thinking maybe the Author should add that disclaimer to the book for parents who have been out of town and cant get their act together before returning home. I feel like there are many loop holes and ways to interpret this honored “tradition”. Revisions that I think need to be added to the book. I’m sure the Authors are anxiously awaiting my feedback. Maybe that will be my next blog……

So here goes nothing. Butters is making his appearance tonight. His “magic” won’t be anything like what my brother provided And he will be lucky if he gets “m’elfed” everyday.

My hopes from the return of Butters are that my child starts to eat what I tell him to, starts taking naps again and goes to bed on time.

I think I may need a bigger Elf.

 

(If you have been living in outer space and haven’t read Jen Mann’s blog on the overachieving m’elfers then you must check it out http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/2011/12/over-achieving-elf-on-shelf-mommies.html………you’re welcome!)

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